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Aug. 23rd, 2015

Ayaw ko na please. Make it stop.
Hello again. I just needed someone to talk to again. I feel really lonely and I just didn't want to be alone tonight. Would it be okay if I admitted that I can't take anymore of this depression, this feeling of hatred, of self-loathing? Kahit sandali lang. I just want to feel like I'm not coming undone, like everything isn't falling apart. Please...


For future reference, sometimes, we find the things we look for in other people in ourselves. No one needs an Enrique Iglesias. What each of us needs is a Regina Spektor:

"I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved."

^Repeat until it comes true.

A Letter to the Woman I Love (part 12)

Hello again. I don't know who to talk to, so I'm here in my room, alone, talking to you or at least a future version of you, hoping you could help me figure some things out. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I've been having conversations with you in my head. Mainly because I don't know what else to do, and you've always been a constant source of happiness in my life. I think I just needed to be reminded of that, so I'm holding on to you as hard as I can to keep my sanity.

I've been depressed for a over a month now. I don't know exactly where I should start to help you understand, so let's start with today. I cut class the whole day - of all classes, it just had to be Medicine! I know it's irresponsible and it's so unlike me, but I had to. I had to because I didn't feel like going through another day feigning smiles and pretending I'm alright. I couldn't anymore; I've had enough. I need you, and I need you to understand without knowing. You're just supposed to. I need you to tell me that whatever it is, you'll sit with me and wait until I feel better. I need you to know that your being there for me is enough. I just needed someone to care.

I don't exactly know why I've been depressed. It's more of the little things that pile up every day. It started out with me just feeling like shit when I wake up, then I started sleeping in until past noon on weekends even though I know I have a lot to study. Then I stopped caring if I was going to be late for class. I stopped caring about a lot of things, studying especially. I keep waiting to feel better by myself, but it's only gotten worse these past few weeks. I don't know when it'll stop. It took me until today to realize I wasn't getting any better. I thought that maybe I could ride this out, you know? Feel whatever it is that I need to feel so I can get better. But lately, I just feel so drained from everything. I've said it before that I shouldn't look to other people to fix my problems, and this isn't an exception. As much as it hurts me to be alone, as much as I want you to be here with me, I know that it wouldn't be right for me to ask you to save me. Maybe if I had admitted that I needed help sooner, things would've played out differently.

Alternate Ending

Someday, I'll look into your eyes and I'll know. I'll know why this is all worth the trouble, the pain, and the heartbreak.

Or I won't get to look into your eyes at all. I'll dream about you though. I'll wish to the heavens that my fantasy was this reality. On my deathbed, I'll realize why we would never come to be, why we were bound to fail from the start. Star-crossed.

A Letter to the Woman I Love (part 3)

Hello again. I didn't want to wait another 2 years before I wrote to you again. I just needed you to know something. I need you to know that I'm always going to choose your happiness over mine as foolish and innocent as that sounds. Maybe that's the best way I can show you that I love you - even if it means letting you go. If you ever decide to leave, I won't argue. I won't even try to stop you if you tell me that that's what you need to be happy. Odd, isn't it? It's a simple 5-letter word - one of the first you ever learn, but it's so hard to achieve. Don't think that I'll be anything close to being fine. I know I won't be, and I know I can't be, but if that's what it takes, I wouldn't hesitate letting you go if that's what you wanted. I just needed you to know that I'd let my happiness go if it meant yours.

A Letter to the Woman I Love (part 2)

Hello again!

It's been two years since I last wrote to you, but that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about you. I think about you every day actually. Maybe a few years from now, I won't just be thinking about you in the wee hours of the night, waiting for the caffeine to wear off so I can squeeze in a few hours of sleep. Maybe a few years from now, I'll wake up next to you (I'm sorry if I snore) and rush to the kitchen to make you breakfast. Maybe a few years from now, we'll make a habit of brushing our teeth together before we go to bed. Maybe.

You'll probably find it weird that I find pleasure in such mundane things, but that's how I'll know I'm head-over-heels in love with you! I'll cherish the moments that we're stuck in rush hour Manila traffic because that would only mean I get to spend more time with you holding my hand. Even if we won't have anything to talk about anymore, I'll cherish those even more because I know I'll be happy, and I hope you will be too! I'll cherish the afternoons we'll spend sharing our taste in music, however diverse they may be. I'll cherish the evenings where we can just buy some ice cream and stroll leisurely, "one foot in front of the other, through leaves and over bridges." (I hope you get that reference and yes, if you haven't noticed by the time you're reading this, you don't have to spend a lot to date me.) Of course I'll have to cut it short because I'll be a ticking time bomb, but I hope you find that a charming quality of mine. I'll cherish the days you'll leave little post-it notes with treats for me to find. Forgive me if I'll look constipated when I find them. That's just me trying to hide my kilig face!

I'm sorry that I'm making you wait. I'm still trying to figure things out, but I promise that I'll be worth it someday. I just hope that you think so too.
Maybe I never recovered after I found out you used me to finish your thesis. It was a lesson I never learned.

Venn Diagram

Earlier today I walked into a salon with my brother to get our "haircut." I still believe that the sign of a good haircut is when it seems like you didn't get your hair cut at all, in spite of its empirically shorter length, but that's beside the point. We walked into a salon FULL of women scattered about, reclined to their point of comfort, getting manipedis (I'm not sure if I spelled that correctly). As we walked in, every head in the room turned to us. Maybe I'm overthinking this, and maybe it was a normal reaction, but what was far from normal were the lingering eyes. It was awkward! We didn't know what to do or where to sit even. It felt as if their piercing eyes were tearing away every fiber of our being. Every pair of eyes finding its way to us, analyzing our every move, unraveling our personas; hopefully none were undressing us in any way (I'm not so sure about the guy in the corner though). Maybe they were comparing us? We were the ones who looked so much alike even though we looked wildly different. My brother looked more Western than Filipino, and I, let's face it, look Chinese with my droopy eyes. Maybe the eyes were noticing the ways in which we're so similar or perhaps so dissimilar. We were standing next to each other after all. If there were such an ideal time to compare us, it would have to be then! Maybe a Venn diagram of sorts. Maybe they think that my brother is a very good looking young man (and he is by the way). Maybe their eyes see all the things mine see when I stand in front of a mirror - all the imperfections, the little quirks and kinks that make people leave, the things that also make me look away when I look in the mirror. Maybe...WHOOPS! It's my turn to get my hair cut! BYE!

What hurts more

From experience, my answer is seeing them together.